Three weeks from today I will be flying back home to Denver after nine months abroad. 21 days remaining in what has been, without a doubt, the single most incredible experience of my life. I'll save reminiscing for after I've left though, there's still so much left to do, and I don't want to take a moment of my time left for granted.
Things changed pretty drastically for me a few weeks ago when Nastya broke up with me. I have to admit, I was really taken off guard. I guess I knew it would have to happen at some point, but I never saw it going down the way it did.
To Nastya, I only have this to say: Thank you, so very, very much. Without you, this would have been a completely different experience for me. You showed me Moscow in a way only a Russian could, and, more importantly, you showed me parts of myself I hadn't known. You showed me the good sides of myself that I never gave myself enough credit for, and the selfish parts of myself that I let get the better of me at times. I think I've grown immensely through knowing you, and being with you. I know things ended poorly, but I wish you only the best in what I'm sure will be a very exciting, and fulfilling future for you.
Things were pretty rough at first, if I'm honest with myself. I had devoted so much of my time to my relationship that I had neglected other people around me, and I found myself feeling very much alone after the break up. It was like when I first arrived here all over again. I felt like I didn't know anyone, and I was alone in a city that will grind you to dust, if you let it.
Something had changed though.
In the past, when I had felt lonely, I had often fallen into depression, and self-loathing. I have a bad habit of blaming myself for things I have no control over, and thinking myself weak for not being able to change them. Anyone who has had the distinct displeasure of being around me when I'm depressed knows I can be pretty miserable.
This was different. In my moment of loneliness, there was something else inside of me that I hadn't felt before.
Strength.
I would be lying, if I said I hadn't been hurt, and that I didn't feel down for a bit, but despite the fact that I felt alone, it didn't make me feel worthless. Despite the fact that I felt that I was, in part, responsible for how things ended, I felt resolve to improve myself, rather than the need to criticize myself. Rather than sitting alone, stewing in my own dark emotions, I threw myself back into life, head first, and started taking every opportunity that came my way to try something different.
I was surprised by how quickly I bounced back. It seemed everywhere I felt I had neglected a friendship, I found instead a person waiting with open arms to welcome me into their lives, and what they were doing.
The experience now is a lot different being single, but I'm enjoying it a lot more than I thought I would. I've been going out a lot, enjoying the nightlife, and I've met a lot of awesome people just in the past few weeks.
Now we're on a twelve day break from classes, and I've made a list of things I want to get done while I'm still here in Moscow. We're now five days into the break, and I haven't even started the list because I've been busy doing things I never expected to do, which is actually a very nice feeling.
This week I was invited to the Russian equivalent of a BBQ with some friends and had an absolute blast. I think there was about 25 of us altogether, and we went out onto a peninsula in one of the lakes around Moscow, set up a grill, a stereo, and picnic blankets, and had ourselves a great time. The weather was phenomenal, with the sun shining down on us while we listened to someone's iPod play through this huge, 80's style boombox. The meat would get grilled up a few plate fulls at a times, and because there were so many of us, we would only be able to each eat about one chunk of kebab at a time. Normally, I'm not one who enjoys waiting long stretches of time for just a little bit of food, but the time spent waiting was filled with great conversation, laughter, and toasts to the long awaited spring's arrival. It worked out perfectly. We were all talking, and enjoying each other's company when a plate of food would come up, we would all quickly grab our piece, savor it for a moment, and get back to our conversations without missing a beat.
I can't say the day after was quite as fantastic for me though. I spent most of it wrapped around a 2L water bottle I keep in my room, cringing at any noise that got above the volume of a loud whisper, but I did get the chance to watch a few movies I had been wanting to see again. I always forget how much I like Scott Pilgram Vs the World. It may have been filmed in Canada Land, but it's still alright with me. I always seem to find another level to connect with it when I watch, which is something I can only say of a few films. When Scott walks out of what you think will be the final battle with the literal embodiment of his negativity talking to his nega-self about getting brunch, I couldn't help but laugh. None of us are perfect, but it's good to cut ourselves some slack from time to time.
I also was able to go to see The Place Beyond the Pines with my friend Nerea in an actually theater here in Russia, which was super exciting for me. For anyone who hasn't heard about this film, I would definitely recommend it. As Rob so eloquently summed it up for me, "Kids need dads."That's probably the best anyone could summarize the film in three words, but it was a dark, and beautiful story about fathers and sons. I wasn't expecting the direction the film went at all, but I was very pleasantly surprised. As someone who respects no man greater than his father, it resonated with me on a lot of levels.
Some of us are hoping to travel to Yaroslavl next weekend for a few days, after the Victory Day celebrations here in Moscow, so I should have some more interesting stuff to post soon. After that, it's exams, and then I'm headed home to Colorful Colorado, a summer of fun, and my final year of undergrad. Lots of exciting things are coming, so I better get back to them!
And for fun, here are some photos from the park near where I live:
Things changed pretty drastically for me a few weeks ago when Nastya broke up with me. I have to admit, I was really taken off guard. I guess I knew it would have to happen at some point, but I never saw it going down the way it did.
To Nastya, I only have this to say: Thank you, so very, very much. Without you, this would have been a completely different experience for me. You showed me Moscow in a way only a Russian could, and, more importantly, you showed me parts of myself I hadn't known. You showed me the good sides of myself that I never gave myself enough credit for, and the selfish parts of myself that I let get the better of me at times. I think I've grown immensely through knowing you, and being with you. I know things ended poorly, but I wish you only the best in what I'm sure will be a very exciting, and fulfilling future for you.
Things were pretty rough at first, if I'm honest with myself. I had devoted so much of my time to my relationship that I had neglected other people around me, and I found myself feeling very much alone after the break up. It was like when I first arrived here all over again. I felt like I didn't know anyone, and I was alone in a city that will grind you to dust, if you let it.
Something had changed though.
In the past, when I had felt lonely, I had often fallen into depression, and self-loathing. I have a bad habit of blaming myself for things I have no control over, and thinking myself weak for not being able to change them. Anyone who has had the distinct displeasure of being around me when I'm depressed knows I can be pretty miserable.
This was different. In my moment of loneliness, there was something else inside of me that I hadn't felt before.
Strength.
I would be lying, if I said I hadn't been hurt, and that I didn't feel down for a bit, but despite the fact that I felt alone, it didn't make me feel worthless. Despite the fact that I felt that I was, in part, responsible for how things ended, I felt resolve to improve myself, rather than the need to criticize myself. Rather than sitting alone, stewing in my own dark emotions, I threw myself back into life, head first, and started taking every opportunity that came my way to try something different.
I was surprised by how quickly I bounced back. It seemed everywhere I felt I had neglected a friendship, I found instead a person waiting with open arms to welcome me into their lives, and what they were doing.
The experience now is a lot different being single, but I'm enjoying it a lot more than I thought I would. I've been going out a lot, enjoying the nightlife, and I've met a lot of awesome people just in the past few weeks.
Now we're on a twelve day break from classes, and I've made a list of things I want to get done while I'm still here in Moscow. We're now five days into the break, and I haven't even started the list because I've been busy doing things I never expected to do, which is actually a very nice feeling.
This week I was invited to the Russian equivalent of a BBQ with some friends and had an absolute blast. I think there was about 25 of us altogether, and we went out onto a peninsula in one of the lakes around Moscow, set up a grill, a stereo, and picnic blankets, and had ourselves a great time. The weather was phenomenal, with the sun shining down on us while we listened to someone's iPod play through this huge, 80's style boombox. The meat would get grilled up a few plate fulls at a times, and because there were so many of us, we would only be able to each eat about one chunk of kebab at a time. Normally, I'm not one who enjoys waiting long stretches of time for just a little bit of food, but the time spent waiting was filled with great conversation, laughter, and toasts to the long awaited spring's arrival. It worked out perfectly. We were all talking, and enjoying each other's company when a plate of food would come up, we would all quickly grab our piece, savor it for a moment, and get back to our conversations without missing a beat.
I can't say the day after was quite as fantastic for me though. I spent most of it wrapped around a 2L water bottle I keep in my room, cringing at any noise that got above the volume of a loud whisper, but I did get the chance to watch a few movies I had been wanting to see again. I always forget how much I like Scott Pilgram Vs the World. It may have been filmed in Canada Land, but it's still alright with me. I always seem to find another level to connect with it when I watch, which is something I can only say of a few films. When Scott walks out of what you think will be the final battle with the literal embodiment of his negativity talking to his nega-self about getting brunch, I couldn't help but laugh. None of us are perfect, but it's good to cut ourselves some slack from time to time.
I also was able to go to see The Place Beyond the Pines with my friend Nerea in an actually theater here in Russia, which was super exciting for me. For anyone who hasn't heard about this film, I would definitely recommend it. As Rob so eloquently summed it up for me, "Kids need dads."That's probably the best anyone could summarize the film in three words, but it was a dark, and beautiful story about fathers and sons. I wasn't expecting the direction the film went at all, but I was very pleasantly surprised. As someone who respects no man greater than his father, it resonated with me on a lot of levels.
Some of us are hoping to travel to Yaroslavl next weekend for a few days, after the Victory Day celebrations here in Moscow, so I should have some more interesting stuff to post soon. After that, it's exams, and then I'm headed home to Colorful Colorado, a summer of fun, and my final year of undergrad. Lots of exciting things are coming, so I better get back to them!
And for fun, here are some photos from the park near where I live:
My favorite view in the park
I like the contrast this wall gives to the park. It's such a beautiful place, but it still has this eyesore in the middle of it
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